During the course, I kept remembering events in my life in approximately reverse chronological order. What does that mean? On Day 1 and 2, I was remembering events from the immediate past: whatever happened in the last few months, then the last 2-3 years. On Days 3 and 4, I went back further in time, remembering events from previous years, and so on. By Day 7, my mind had calmed down quite a bit, and I remember that I could direct my mind to some specific set of thoughts much better.
I realized that my mind had never been quiet. It had always been busy! In the past (from 1991 to 2004), I had been thinking about computer science or some other academic subject almost all the time: in the shower, when walking, and so on. And that was probably the reason why I was able to get good grades in school. In the preceding few years (2005 to 2007), my thoughts had been replaced by personal life stress. But the nature of the mind was the same: it was always thinking! Earlier, it was thinking about computer science, now it was thinking about stressful events.
Probably for the first time in my life, I noticed that it was possible to stop thoughts. The mind could actually be made thought-free! That felt incredible.
I got some insights into my thoughts and the ongoing 'mind chatter'. My thoughts were verbal. It was as if I was 'talking' (quietly in my mind) to other people, trying to help them understand my point of view, getting angry at them for not understanding. I also realized that there were four different individuals whom I was 'talking' to at different points of time. These four individuals were my family members and friends. Interestingly, these four individuals never talked back. Until I realized these dynamics of my own thoughts, I had no idea what my angry thoughts were actually about! I had never noticed my thoughts or analyzed them before.
One day, I was half-asleep, possibly dreaming. During those moments, I remembered a scene from the past: I was at home and getting quite angry. As this scene was unfolding, I was seeing my old self in third person, from above (from the ceiling, kind of). This impacted me deeply: I realized that I was quite angry in the past as well (not just in recent months), and that my anger was affecting others near me negatively.
Before attending my first 10-day course, I had read some books and some online articles on meditation. After attending the camp, I realized that reading books and articles is so incomplete without actual practice. And after learning meditation in practical terms, I felt no need to read these books any more. I came to understand why they say that knowledge acquired through personal experience (bhāvanā mayā paññā) is so valuable, over and above knowledge acquired through books / discourses (sutamayā paññā) and knowledge acquired through mental analysis (cintāmayā paññā). These terms became clearer to me.
Buddha used to tell his students that they must not take his teachings at face value; every part of the teaching is verifiable by studying ourselves. For example, is it true that consciousness → cognition → sensation → reaction are four successive steps that occur in rapid succession inside us? Is it true that we feel miserable only when we react with craving or aversion? Is it true that when we are miserable, our breath becomes shorter, our mind churns, negative emotions arise and our demeanor smacks of negativity? All of these statements can be verified via meditation.
My first 10-day course in 2007 gave me calm and quietude of such magnitude that I had not experienced since 1994. During the course, I struggled with posture but still made steady progress. Upon returning, I was convinced of the great potency of meditation for stress reduction. Phrases like "mind chatter", "awareness" and "quietening of the mind" now made sense to me. I was also convinced that there is a path, a series of well-documented steps, towards the goal of removing all impurities of the mind (I don't know how that would feel like but it's something fascinating that I would like to experience!) After the 10-day course, I was convinced that progress towards this goal will make me a better and better person, and that the path has been traversed by many before.
The techniques and the discourses at the 10-day course gave me a conceptual framework that connects cognition, thoughts, emotions and actions. I came to understand the concept of becoming a 'witness' to body sensations and to mental phenomena like thoughts. Several years later, these conceptualizations helped me understand Sufi & Bhakti poetry, and the essence of Advaita Vedanta teachings.
A big insight that I got was that all of us essentially seek to become peaceful! That's our natural instinct!
The 10-day retreat helped me develop awareness of my own thoughts and emotions. I could gauge whether I was calm or not inside; this was a 'personal barometer' of sorts. Prior to the 10-day retreat, I had no idea of these concepts: that I could measure my level of calmness, that I could notice my thoughts and emotions, that it was possible for me to calm myself down!
For about two years after my first course, I paid great attention to my thoughts and emotions in my daily life. I started connecting these dots: "what emotion is arising right now? why? what has caused it?" I don't really know if this qualifies as meditative practice. After the 10-day course, the instructions were to observe sensations somewhere in the body. I didn't do that; I paid attention to thoughts and emotions instead. And I don't know if that was the right thing to practice. After two years, I started paying less attention to thoughts and emotions.
The Satipatthana Sutta mentions mindfulness of body, sensations, mind and mental contents. So by observing my thoughts and emotions, maybe I was doing something right, maybe not — I don't really know because I don't understand the Satipatthana Sutta very well.
A visible change in me was that I could sit still for much longer. Actually, before going for the 10-day course, I had difficulty in sitting still (and I wasn't even aware of this inability). I remember that for the last several years (1991 - 2007, I'd say), I was generally quite 'excited' or 'in motion'. For example, my foot used to tap on the floor when I was standing; my right foot would shake when I was sitting cross legged; I just didn't know how to sit still! After coming back from the 10-day course, I noticed that I could actually sit motionless :)
Another side effect of the 10-day course was an increase in my ability to pay attention to somebody I was talking to. Around the time that I did the course, I also read this book by James Pennebaker: Opening Up — The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions (249 pages, 1997). This book influenced me a lot. I learnt that if we share our thoughts and feelings with a compassionate confidant, we feel better! And I realized that innumerable people in this world are waiting to pour their hearts out; all they need is a good listener to feel better. Thanks to the 10-day course, I made some progress towards becoming a better listener.
After attending the course, one has to maintain a regular practice of daily meditation. I have found that particularly challenging. I really wish I had a regular meditation practice in place.
On the whole, the 10-day course felt like a 'boot camp' or a 'crash course' that taught me a lot! I believe that the teachings are pure and authentic; it is difficult to find such teachers or groups in the world.
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